Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Reclaiming the puzzle pieces

The essence of all art is to have pleasure in giving pleasure. ~Dale Carnegie

Perhaps it was because I had no more pleasure to give... perhaps it was because I was running wildly in all directions, without reigns or blinders.  I saw everything and the bright light of reality hurt my eyes. 
A half finished wedding dress...a still-warm engagement ring...a marriage that failed before it even started.
The brilliant topaz of our future on the horizon fading...
It was too much for me to embrace with art. 
So instead, I allowed my emotions to rule me without resignation.  I let the wildness of my pain strip me down to bare essentials.  I went to work, I came home, I drank, I danced.  I was hardly living, yet I was feeling more than I could possibly bear.  I could not face who I was.  I could not begin that essential artistic process that requires one to look inward with honesty.  Calling off the marriage was as far as I could go--- the rest resided in a world that I could not touch, and I ran away from it.
It wasn't until the new year that I calmed down. Jay's hands on my body, his rough, red skin brought me back to earth.  Being honest with him allowed me to be honest with myself.  It began slowly with painting, and then a new red and black costume, and now, I am sewing again. 
I was just commisioned to make a prom fascinator in teal and ivory.  If only I could say, "This means so, so much to me--being able to start again with something I love, because I finally deserve to enjoy things again."
Well, I suppose I just did.